back when i was suicidal in high school the tiniest things would make me want to kill myself but also the most trivial things would stop me
i remember looking at a bottle of sleeping pills and going “i’m going to kill myself. i’m not going to get out of this town. i’m not going to be able to get into a good college” and then i would go “but wait! if you die tonight, you won’t be there when they invent time travel. what if you die tonight and aliens land tomorrow and you miss it. the entire world would change and you would miss it.” “ah, yes. good point. i’ll wait until next week to die. once i’m dead i’m dead, so i can wait a little longer to see if something cool happens before then.”
it never did but it brought me back from killing myself until i started seeing a psychologist and got on antidepressants
people are re-blogging this and i dont mind b/c they’re relating to it so that’s nice if it’s helping ppl understand
the whole “you have so much to live for!” idea was nice and well intentioned, but i felt like people were just spouting bullshit at me because i didn’t. i didnt have any friends or dates or talents. i had nothing to really live for.
but things like “oh, well if you die now you won’t be able to find out who jon snow’s mother is” did help. because i went “oh, well i’ll finish this book to figure out if my theory is right first.” because i was going to die anyway so a few more hours wouldn’t hurt and by the end of the book i felt less suicidal.
also years later i found out i was right about my theory.
This exact thing has helped me so much. Things like, “Well you can’t now because it’s Thanksgiving and you’ll ruin it, wait until after” “well now it’s almost Christmas so do it next year” “Well you can’t before you see how Game of Thrones ends” “Think of all the cats you haven’t pet yet” the trivial things have always helped me more than the whole, “people will miss you, you have so much to live for”
Find something to make you hold on a little longer, even if you take it hour by hour or day by day. Even if it’s just something like, “Well if I die tonight I won’t get to eat my leftover Chinese food tomorrow” it helps.
this post needs more notes and attention!
This👏is👏fucking👏important👏
Listen, y’all.
When I went through a depressive crash in college, my grampa told me he’d done the same, about the same age.
Do you know what kept him going?
Return of the King hadn’t been published yet, and he wanted to know if Frodo ever made it to Mordor.
In his words: “I thought, well, I can at least wait to see how it all turns out.”
My grampa passed away a couple of months ago, in his sleep, at the age of 89, surrounded by three generations who loved him, and none of whom would have been here without some freaking hobbits.
(He couldn’t remember how the books ended.)
(I told him.)
(He said “oh, that’s right. That was a good story.”)
Anything. Anything. That will keep you going. Is worth doing. Is worth thinking. Is worth wondering. Anything at all.
Keep going forward, though you do not know the way.
Maybe this is supposed to be a big secret or something but uhh, the “so many things to live for” arent like getting married or becoming talented or some shit. The “so many things to live for” are becoming the master of a niche phone game no one plays or knows about and experiencing mexican food made by chefs who don’t know where mexico is. The “so many things to live for” is finding the perfect most best smelling yellow rose because the yellow ones smell the best god damn it. The “so many things to live for” is taking care of your cat because uh he chose You to be his human didn’t he? And he’s really stupid so if you died he would just scream a lot and maybe eat your face and like you can’t have that your boy deserves better. The “so many things to live for” are finally finding a brand that makes good tasting dairy free ice cream and maybe having seared tuna one more time because shit that stuff is Good.
Like, the “so many things to live for” IS THE LITTLE STUFF. No one fucking lives for the big stupid boring stuff and if they do they can get their Normal™ asses the fuck outta here.
The Chaos Bitches 